Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
