i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
