I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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