You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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