...so i touched it.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
