If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
