um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
