Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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