The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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