sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
