the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
