dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Randomize
