i need an iv and a liver transplant
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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