1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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