i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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