Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Randomize
