if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
bring money and cleavage
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
tell me about the eggs
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
