i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
