I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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