last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Randomize
