remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Randomize
