I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
