I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
