I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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