my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
