I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
