Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
