Well douche your snatch and let's go!
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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