Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
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