Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Randomize
