wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
