I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Randomize
