Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I need a burrito and a hug.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
