So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
