Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Randomize
