I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
