Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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