You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
