So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
