I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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