i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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