my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
