No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
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