It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
