Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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