I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
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