You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
