Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
