matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
