Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
