Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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