Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
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